I’m a pickup guy, not that there is anything wrong with sedans or SUVs or sport coups, I just prefer to drive a vehicle that has the ability to carry large heavy stuff, you know, just in case. I was driving home from dinner at Red Lobster last week in my trusty ’98 Dodge when I noticed the engine overheat light on the dashboard was blinking and the needle on the temperature gauge was pegged in the “if you don’t pull over there’s gonna be trouble” range. Since the outside temperature warranted a testicle frostbite warning from our local weather prognosticator and I only had a few more blocks to go, I reasoned that saving my family jewels was worth the risk of doing damage to my engine. Well…I was wrong and it proved to be an expensive decision. No need to go into detail about my old pickup truck; let’s just say I’m a dips**t and I’m recently in the market for a new trusty Dodge truck.
Now I’ve been a Dodge man since my early 20’s and as with most things I do in life, I base my large purchase decisions on emotion and hearsay. Facts and figures confuse the hell right out of me and generally require me to put way too much time and thought into things. I don’t like reading directions and I sure as hell don’t believe anything Consumer Reports publishes about vehicles. I bought a Subaru wagon back in the 90’s, based on CR advice, and every time I drove it I felt an uncomfortable urge to listen to Phish, smoke dope, borrow money from my parents and snowboard. And I really hate snowboarders….everybody knows snowboarding is for losers that don’t have the athletic ability to ski, so definitely no more Subaru’s for me.
Anyhoo, back to my truck dilemma, I won’t drive or eat anything that sounds French so Chevy’s have been off my list since I had my first and only crepe. I stick to really thin pancakes these days (© Cal Naughton Jr.). Ford’s have way too many street acronyms associated with the name for me to wade through, plus they sell cars in foreign countries that they don’t sell here in the US of A. I’m not sure if there is anything ethically wrong with that but I don’t understand it and therefore don’t trust it, plus my Dad always said, “F**k Fords”. I’ve been inundated by my truck driving cohorts with Toyota and Nissans new truck line. Yes, they are probably good trucks that have plenty of power and an excellent reliability record but if I cared about those things I wouldn’t be a Dodge man now would I?
Last weekend I naively thought I would test drive a new Dodge just to see if they drove and handled any better than my ‘98 with the seized motor. I was met at the door of the dealership by a smarmy thirty-something kid that was sure he could get me in a new truck “with all these factory incentives going on”. He was all about pressing the flesh and really getting to know “his customers”. Fortunately I had some complimentary hand sanitizer from the Red Lobster available and was able to get the disingenuous salesman stench off my hand on the spot. After getting cleaned up, I explained I was “just looking” at new trucks and wasn’t really interested in “buying that day”, at which point Mr. Smarmy really turned on the charm.
“Would I like to go to lunch on the dealership”? Free Red Lobster coupons I imagine.
“How does free oil changes and truck washes for a year sound”? Sounds like you’re one of those douche-nozzles that washes his car all the time and has his oil changed when it’s recommended.
“Would I like to meet his wife and have sex with her”? OK I made that one up, because if offered I would be driving a new Dodge right now, not that I know what Mr. Smarmy’s wife even looked like.
After much hullabaloo and time wasting I managed to wrestle the keys away from the sales manager and get in a new Mega-Cab ¾ ton without the salesman bird-dogging me on the ride. I made an important observation while driving over to my buddy’s house in the demo truck for a couple of beers, new trucks are better than old trucks in that they actually make your penis feel larger. I don’t know why this is; I just know it to be true. So the next time you see a guy driving down Broadway in a jacked up 2010 Dodge 2500 Mega-Cab with a Cummins Turbo Diesel and oversized tires you can say to yourself “that guy thinks his penis is larger than it actually is”. Back at the dealership it turned out they did have some good discounts but Dodge is marketing to guys willing to make $600/month truck payments for 72 months. I ain’t one of those guys. That’s more than my monthly take home for Chrissakes.
So now I’m forced to peruse the Thrifty Nickel classifieds looking for the “perfect” deal on a new used truck in Idaho Falls, an area where trucks are to rednecks what Birkenstocks are to Berkley grads. The buyer competition is stiff and it takes a trained eye to read between the lines and pick the right vehicle at the right price. For instance:
2001 Dodge 1500, excellent condition,
runs great, needs body work. $4500 OBO
1999 Dodge 2500, turbo cummins diesel,
extra cab, 297,000 miles. $7500
2003 Dodge 1500 4-door, like new,
5.9L V8, power everything, 79,000 miles,
transmission slipping, $6900
Call me crazy but descriptors like “excellent condition” and “like new” don’t quite coincide with “needs body work” and transmission slipping” and buying a truck with almost 300k miles on it is like picking Bart Star in the 3rd round for the 2010 NFL draft. Only the touched would go for a worn out deal like that. I guess I’ll need to find a desperate widow or a nasty divorce hard luck case selling a previous husband’s Dodge truck at a ridiculously low price, then drive the hoards of other pitiful truck-less opportunists away with pepper spray or loud jazz music, and lastly exercise my constitutional right to needlessly drive a gas guzzling 4X4 hunk of Detroit iron by making an insulting low ball offer, provided she’s willing to take a cancelled two party check from Oklahoma as down payment. Did I mention I can throw in a free lunch at the Red Lobster?
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Gato got runned over by Marcus many moons ago. Be ye daft, 2486? 
Let's have a new poll, alright, Joe?
:@:)
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Love your posts! Thanks for the laughs.
Ironically your question about brand loyalty can be answered in the business news. Fiat (Italian company) has bought the Dodge brand along with the rest of Chrysler. So here’s a sentence I thought I’d never say: Your Dodge is a Fiat! American companies were way too slow to develop fuel efficient lines of autos (this doesn’t mean discontinue the trucks as long as there is a market for them. In other words, the loyalty was abused. A big part of the American spirit is innovation and we’ve lost a lot of that along the way, with a certain level of arrogance being a contributing factor. We still have it though and it just needs to expand again.
Loyalty is a good thing but one has remain worthy of it to be deserving of the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that Fiat owns dodge. After all, a Belgian company now owns Budweiser. I thought an important part of the Budweiser brand was the fact that it’s American owned. No one seems to care though. I guess when a large part of your customer base are a bunch of redneck beer-drinking yayhoos your loyalty is supported by inebriation.
Heck, in some ways Toyota and Honda are more American than so called “American” companies given how many Americans they employ.
Global world now. If half of many Harley Davidson’s are made in China, Japan, and Mexico now, I guess we need to wake up and notice our family is bigger.
Steve,
Thanks for the kind words.
The news about my Dodge being a Fiat is akin to being married to a transvestite for 30 years and not knowing about it…at this point did I really need to know????
I definitely have heartburn with the shift in global manufacturing. It’s impossible to live a normal consumer lifestyle without buying some form of imported crap.
I make every effort to maximize my made in America purchases but sadly in the big picture I think you hit it right on the head about “no one seems to care”.
From here on out I’m sticking to Mirror Pond!
Great blog. Thanks for the laughs.
PS Smarmy’s wife is probably French.