I‘m middle-aged, I’m over-weight, I’m narrow-minded and I’m afraid of what I don’t understand. While most voters in Idaho and Utah would consider these traits essential for any elected office, they have proved to be somewhat problematic for me at times. My complete lack of social grace, my irreverence for all I don’t respect and as I said above, my fear of what I don’t understand often put me at odds with my fellow Americans. One day a few weeks ago my current spouse and I drove by the new Toyota dealership and noticed several dozen suits shuffling around the sales floor waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting rube like Larry Craig in an airport men’s room. She commented on what a “smarmy lot of wolves” they all were and my vocabulary radar went up. “Smarmy”? I asked, “What the hell does that mean”? After the usual eye rolling and chastising about my Idaho education she gave me a Google definition downloaded from her fancy cell phone (another one of these passing fads that will soon go the way of the snowboard, home computer, and pet rock).
Smarmy:
1: revealing or marked by a smug, ingratiating, or false earnestness.
2: of low sleazy taste or quality.
Holy Mother Of (fill in appropriate deity), what a revelation! After living in fear and disgust most of my adult life, knowing something was creepy and just not right (almost vampire like) with the majority of everyone I meet but never being able to put my finger on it….SMARMY…these people are smarmy. Not douche’ bags, not s**t heels, not conniving vermin. They are simply smarmy and now that I have a legitimate label, it enables me to better understand them. More importantly, it allows me to stereo-type the whole lot so they fit neatly into my version of reality, my lifelong fears can be quelled once and for all. Praise be to (fill in appropriate deity).
Since my recent revelation I have been working diligently, defining who and what is smarmy as well as who and what is not so an elite insightful few may benefit from my flawless logic:
First and foremost all salesmen are smarmy, with real estate agents, car salesmen, and meth dealers pushing maximum smarminess. Kids that work the counter at McDonald’s are not smarmy but the twenty- somethings that up sell at Applebee’s tend to be. Teachers are not smarmy, school administrators are. Auto mechanics actually take a class in smarmy tactics while plumbers, electricians, and appliance repairman get OJT. Grocery store employees are not smarmy however convenience store clerks often display varying degrees of smarminess.
All politicians are smarmy, except George W. Bush, he was touched and the touched cannot be smarmy. Ted Kennedy and Dick Cheney are recipients of the coveted “smarmiest of smarmy” award that I just made up. Republicans and Democrats rate out equally on the smarm-o-meter with both parties quantitatively measuring 92% pure smarm. Independents don’t seem to have enough signal strength to rate anything above a zero on said meter. While on the subject of politicians, transvestites are smarmy, transsexuals (except Janet Reno) are not.
Mormons and Scientologists are also winners of the “smarmiest of smarmy” award. Mother Teresa and Gandhi, definitely not smarmy. Jehovah Witnesses and Hari Krishnas are touched just like GWB and therefore not smarmy, just simple and annoying. Most clergy are smarmy based on the fact they either want donated money, donated time, or sex with their parishioner’s children. Any person not mentioned above that shows up at your door trying to sell you on religion should be considered smarmy.
Musicians are notoriously smarmy. Singer songwriters are the worst, especially those that get emo singing about all the trauma experienced after guys like me gave them a super wedgie back in high school. Drummers are always a bit touched so, as we have already learned, they can’t be totally smarmy. Bassists and guitarists are smarmy as are all horn players but not accordionists. Lead singers? …extremely smarmy, if Eddie Vetter began playing the accordion it would become a smarmy instrument and this list would need revision.
Geographically, every single resident of Hollywood, Las Vegas and New York City is smarmy while most folks in Butte, Casper, Pendleton and Bismarck are not (excluding salesmen, politicians, lawyers, and insurance agents). Although I still feel uneasy around Canadians, I am withholding judgment until I get drunk with a few more of them and they further prove to me they are not interested having sex with me after I pass out. Jackson Hole, Sun Valley and Vail have a mixture of those who are smarmy and those that enjoy the smell of their own flatulence. Either way, it’s best to patronize real ski towns and avoid these areas of pseudo-celebrity excess as much as possible.
Attorneys that advertise on TV are especially smarmy, those that perform pro bono work for the homeless charged with public defecation, not as quite smarmy. Doctors that perform liposuction, breast implants, face lifts, etc. are smarmy. Real health care professionals are not. Anyone associated with health care insurance is smarmy, in an evil way. Lest I forget, chiropractors. Ever been to one that said, “Just do some stretching and this one visit should be all you need”? Never, chiropractors push maximum smarminess equally with real estate agents, car salesmen, and meth dealers.
Dogs are not smarmy, except poodles and Chihuahuas of course. All cats are smarmy, period. Cat owners run an elevated risk of becoming smarmy at some point. Adopting a dog from the pound can help lower smarmy levels in cat owners, however anyone willing to adopt and care for an animal, even a smarmy cat, can never be completely smarmy themselves. Puppy factories, pet stores and the idiots that buy from them are caught up in an orgy of smarminess that translates into much suffering. If you buy an animal from these heartless sub- humans you risk becoming permanently smarmy. Just say no and get your pet at the pound.
Now that I’ve complied a rudimentary list of smarmy professions/people/animals, we can take appropriate precautions when dealing with these unsavory individuals, much the same way one does when getting a half and half from a Thai prostitute in Hong Kong.
1.) Don’t shake hands with these people without having waterless sanitizer close by.
2.) Don’t believe anything they tell you, it’s just a ploy to get in your wallet, mooch a free meal, or trick you into listening to crappy indie music.
3.) Remember these people are not offering any service that can’t be obtained on the next street corner so insure potential providers know that fact.
4.) Be sure to negotiate your best price, for example, only suckers pay more than 4% for Realtor fees or $50 for a lift ticket.
5.) Above all, never, never, ever kiss any of these smarmy individuals full on the lips. That’s just asking for a herpes canker. Trust me, I know.
Popularity: 1%
Related posts:
It WAS all he had to say about it!
:@:)
Loading ...
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
You live a sad and depressing life if you honestly feel this way towards so many people, not to mention lumping so many types into your so called smarmy category.
It was quite obvious how you felt before I finished the first paragraph though. The fact that you referred to your signifigant other as “your current spouse” speaks volumes of your sad existance. In closing, your admittance to having the herpes virus did give me a good laugh.
That’s it, McGuilicutty, you’re on the smarmy list.
I second Bloop’s action. ha ha ha. I also think stock brokers and ITD District 6 management should be included on the “Smarmy” list.
lol
I would have thought of all the dogs to be on the list, Chihuahuas would be right up top. Or better yet, Chihuahua owners. You know the ones that carry their Chihuahuas in their purse everywhere they go? Scary Smarmy.
Very good article! I’ll be watching more closely for the ’smarminess quotient’ of the people around me. Should be good fun!