I am a stepmother. I had stepparents. My daughters had stepparents. The concept of stepparenting in our society is here to stay.
I was asked to write this post by another site guest who wondered, “Should stepparents discipline their stepchildren?” It’s a tricky subject. First it has to be decided what the concept of discipline is, and then who is responsible to administer it.
In the 90s I married a widower with 3 children, one of them a toddler. By doing this, I signed on to the task of raising his children. If parental discipline was required, as their de-facto mother I had a duty to participate.
But what if their mother was still alive? And what if they actually lived with her, and only visited my home with their dad? Would I have the same responsibility?
Especially because there is usually acrimony between the parents (there usually is a valid reason that they are no longer married) it is difficult to get all the parties to agree on this issue.
What are your views on stepparents’ roles in raising the stepchildren, which includes discipline if needed?
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
My own opinion on this subject has more to do with the person the natural parent married and their chosen method of discipline. I do however, think that these method’s used should be discussed prior to marriage.
Perhaps the bigger issue is, does the step parent love the children? With proper love and guidance, I would be okay with the newbie disciplining as long as that discipline remained exactly that and in no way constituted abuse.
But…. I wouldn’t be inclined to marry someone who didn’t really love my kids either.
I’ve also seen situations where the step parent had no say whatsoever in disciplining the step children and it wreaked havoc in the marriage. The kids knew they could get away with virtually anything because the step parent had no control.
Hence, I am curious as to other views on this.
My stepmother, my daughters’ stepmother, and myself…all three of us had already raised our own children by the time we married a younger man who had little children. I think for the most part, I had it the easiest of the 3 of us…here’s why:
The natural mother to my stepchildren was deceased so I didn’t have to play second fiddle, and they were young enough that they didn’t have memories of her with which to make a comparison in styles. Plus, she wasn’t there for them to complain to if they didn’t like something I said or did. And she had no way to make life more miserable for my husband if she didn’t like what I said or did.
Both my stepmother and my daughters’ stepmother suffered those indignities. I think they became tyrants in part because they were old and tired and just fed up with the issues that went with not being ‘the REAL mother’. But they weren’t entirely innocent, nor were they entirely to blame, for the poor relationship with the stepchildren.
I thought I would just love my stepchildren because I loved their dad. WRONG. Bonding with them was incredibly difficult for me on many levels.
When the real parent is still alive then the stepparent should try and allow the spouse to handle the major discipline issues. It should be made clear up front to the kids that they must do what the stepparent says in regards to ordinary rules and such. But if there is a major event that requires discipline then the natural parent should be the one to lay down the law. Especially the first few years.
I’m was a stepkid and I remember feeling huge resentment against my stepparent for what I saw as an attempt to replace my father. When my stepfather tried to act like my father it made me mad because HE WAS NOT MY FATHER. I didn’t ask for my parents to split, I didn’t want them to split, and I surely didn’t want a substitute dad. I think this is how most kids will view steps at first and it will take time, years, for many to overcome the distrust and resentment. If the stepparent tries to act like the actual parent the kid will rebel.
#4, I surely did rebel against my stepmother (who spoke badly of the mother that I loved) and so did my daughters rebel against their stepmother, I think. And speaking only for myself, I am certain that I made my stepmother’s life quite a bit harder.
Initially as an adult, trying to psychoanalyze myself and all my anger issues, I rationalized it by saying that as the adult she had the responsibility to be more mature than me and should have found a better way to deal with my anger and rebellion.
Now as I’m realizing adults are just big children with more experience (and not always with more wisdom or maturity or capability, and remember I’m speaking for myself here) I am more inclined to accept that she probably did the things she did because she had her own issues, and rather than me staying hurt and angry at her I have to let it go and move on, for my own peace of mind.
Anonymous, I agree on major issues, natural parent wins out. That’s only right especially the first few years as you pointed out. There is no replacement for a natural parent and you’re bound to love them in spite of any faults and flaws.
I think it takes a lot of patience to be a step parent because as Nem pointed out, it’s natural to rebel against someone you didn’t ask for. Step parenting can lead to much jealousy I think on both sides of the coin. I’ve also seen a lot of kids take advantage of their position which I think the natural parent has to put a stop to.
Probably one of the most important things that I see is that exes need to have a cooperative attitude and at least try to be friendly with each other. I really believe this has a lot to do with how the children respond. If one parent is continually putting down the ex and or his/her spouse, then the child is going to feel the need to protect someone. Who knows who that will wind up being. But in doing so, they’re likely to rebel more strongly.
Kids seem to handle situations as we show them how to handle them.
Nemisis, veering off the path somewhat of the intent of your article and just commenting in general on the state of society and “discipline”, My comments should not be taken as any intent to comment on your ability to manage your (step)children.
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For a moment there, i thought I saw the word “discipline” used in the same paragraph containing a word such as “child” “children’ “stepchild” or “stepchildren”. it is my belief that our politically correct world has all but taken out discipline and turned parents into border line criminals and rogues.
Seems to me that in a world where a parent can be in trouble with DFS over sending a child to their room, then has society lost its grip on reality. Discipline, as I see it, has now taken the form of removing what were once luxuries for children – their televisions, cell phones, computers, iPods, cars, etc. and so on. I for one will not be one bit surprised when I see a story pop up challenging even this form of discipline, I mean my goodness, what could be more traumatic for little Bobby or Sally than their inability to text message their naughty friends all day?
As a man who grew up on a fair sized potato farm outside tiny Chester, I will freely tell you that I took my share of “discipline” 1960’s and 70’s style, usually after repeated warnings of “don’t do that”. In my world, discipline was a switch off the willow tree out back, and one that you picked yourself. (As a humorous sideline: it only took once or twice for a naughty boy to learn to get a “bigger” switch as the little thin ones were very flexible and stung like hell.) I guarantee that after each discipline I learned my lesson, and, of course, moved on to my next lesson.
Ah, yes, Whatever happened to the good old ’spare the rod, spoil the child’ days? Personally I think we’re beginning to see what happened to them today.
Thanks Nemisis, for allowing me to hijack your article.
Mr.Bumpy I enjoyed reading your comments and I agree 100%.
Yeah, Uncle Bumpy, you’ve made some great points about discipline these days almost being akin to abuse by definition.
That’s a whole ‘nuther issue that no one agrees on, either…which is part and parcel for this site!
I disregarded my better judgment years ago enough to marry a person with two kids. The boy and girl (7 and 3 years of age at the time) each had different fathers. The kids were angels and were always nice and respectable towards me. But, I learned that I had no authority whatsoever regarding them. NONE.
I would advise everybody here to NEVER marry a person who has young children. You have absolutely no authority in your own home.
They run to their true parents every time…who always give them what they want because each parent is competing for the child’s love and appreciation and what you think as the step parent plays no role whatsoever.
Unless it meets their immediate desires…no child cares about what any step parent thinks. Especially as they grow older. They know their natural parent will always yield to them. They learn it over time. They know each natural parent is competing against each other and the kids use that to their advantage.
If you have a rule in your home…that rule does not apply in the other home. There’s always two different sets of rules for the kids. The rules in your home are NOT the rules in their other home. And vice-versa. They always say…”yeah, but I can do it at my Dad’s house!’ Or some other variation that makes you want to open a vein.
It’s insanity. Yes, I know there are rare exceptions. But, this is the rule in most cases and I advise against step parenting. Stay separate and single.
Enjoy your relationships, but don’t ever marry and move in. It’s a disaster. And I’m not just speaking from my own experience. I’ve seen it over and over and over again right here in Eastern Idaho, and inside Mormondom.
I’m LDS and have seen the worst of the worst on this issue. The Church won’t save you from this disaster. Stay separate and single unless you want daily turmoil. And I mean…DAILY.
For you who think re-marrying will make things better…forget about it. It makes things WORSE. You re-marry because of YOUR needs and you disregard the needs of your kids. They need your attention more than ever. If your kids are excited about your new honey, it’s because of what THEY think they will get from them. And then, when they realize they won’t get what they want…they rebel. From there, it’s a fiery ferryboat ride from Hades on down.
Some of you can actually handle these stresses and count it a blessing as you pass by each obstacle. You are the exceptions to the rule. I respect and honor your work. You’ve not become the standard statistic upon which my rantings are based.
Again…enjoy your new relationships, but don’t ever marry and move in. Let them live their way…and you live yours. I have found deep satisfaction over the years as I maintain this one simple standard. Thanks for your post Nemesis.
How true comment #10 is. Many years ago, I figured this out and decided that as long as there were children involved, a second marriage was not in the cards. I hope there are instances out there where step parenting and step children are working, but in my experience, it has seemed to always be a case of yours and mine — never ours. And then the competition begin — both in material items and in attention. It might work better if there are only children involved on one side — not both. Too often the needs of the children are ignored, but the needs of the parents are not, and so a marriage takes place — often with disastrous results for the children.
I observed a situation the other day where a man brought 3 small children to an event that I was at. It was obvious that there was great affection between one of the children and the man, and an acquaintance between the man and two of the children. When the man left, he gave one of the children a couple of dollars, but nothing for the other two. The one child got a kiss and hug good bye and the other two got a “Be good and mind”. Come to find out, this was a father and his birth son, and two step children. The step children lived in the same home as the father and his son. It was not a new relationship, but was one of about 3 years. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the two step children. The oldest child appeared to be about 5 and the two youngest appeared to be about 3 or 4. The “favored” child was one of the two youngest.
So, I am with Poster #10 — No Stepping Allowed.
I am sure there are exceptions, and I am happy for them, but in my experience “stepping” does not always work.
I have to agree to much of what No Stepping says. I’ve dated a number of women over the years with children and even lived with and almost married the last one. (we’re no longer together) But you’re absolutely right in the fact that you have no say so whatsoever. While I enforced the rules of “the house” and did discipline her child when needed, the fact of the matter was, her real father gave her whatever she wanted and didn’t discipline her at all. So every other weekend after she would come home from spending the wknd with him, it’s like we had to “re-program” this child. She was an absolute terror because she got her way with EVERYTHING when she was with “Daddy”. Then when she got home and realized there were rules in the house that she actually had to abide by, she would throw tantrums like you wouldn’t believe because there were no rules at Daddy’s house. I honestly think this child is going to grow up with a great many issues. But it’s a sad fact of life and when that happens all too often. I especially notice it here in Idaho because abortion and birth control are practically non existant in this state. I’ve lived in quite a few cities and nowhere have I lived have there been so many single mothers. (but that’s a whole other story)
have to agree that it’s going to take a very strong person to deal with marrying someone with a child or two already. The child is going to manipulate each parent to get what he/she wants and it’s always going to be an issue in that relationship. While I did everything I could to treat this child like my own, I knew that she would never be mine and that is the reality in this day and age where so many people are divorced.
And while I did my best to make that relationship work, there were always issues regarding her child, and the fact that I wasn’t her biological father meant that I had no say in many of the issues that arose throughout our relationship.
I like your post Nemeiss and I’ve been holding off writing a comment until I read what No Stepping wrote. I also think you have it alot easier than most being that your husband is a widower and you havent had to deal with the “other parent” being in the picture. because believe me, it is a whole different ballgame. Because not only do you have somebody elses child in your life, you have that persons “ex” in your life as well. Which means sharing all major holiday’s, not going out of town without informing the other parent, and a whole host of issues to deal (and share) with the other parent. And forget about ever moving to another town, that’s completely out of the question.
I enjoyed your topic and I’m actually surprised more people haven’t commented, being that we have so many single parents in this town & in SE Idaho.
But I understand as it’s a very touchy subject with many. Which is why I felt the need to remain “anonymous” on this one.
Comment # 10, I had to chuckle because I know of a situation just like that.
Comment # 11 “When the man left, he gave one of the children a couple of dollars, but nothing for the other two. The one child got a kiss and hug good bye and the other two got a “Be good and mind”. ”
That is just plain WRONG! He should be ashamed of himself.
These last few were more the responses I was expecting. I know many who have had to deal with these and similar issues and the kids were sheer terrors because natural parent wouldn’t discipline at all if it meant agreeing with the newbie. It usually was the end of the relationship at some point or other. And yes, I agree that most of these kids wind up with a lot of issues.
For those of you who think step-parenting isn’t worth it….don’t we all have to balance that with the fact that if a parent is alone and miserable that could be worse for them?
I was fortunate enough that before I got divorced, my husband had run off to another state with his girlfriend, left no forwarding address so I was divorced by default and could do whatever I wanted regarding custody, etc.
I had a LOT of boyfriends in the years I was single and each one of them understood that we would come as a package deal if anything ever went that far. Many of those “relationships” (I hesitate to use that term due to the lack of longevity of so many of them) lasted a good while, many did not. I demanded complete acceptance of us both for anything to lead anywhere (as any parent should).
When I found the right guy (the first husband definitely was not) I knew it the first time he carried my son around on his shoulders the entire day at the state fair, with a back that wasn’t supposed to be carrying anything over 20 lbs.
It was all made much easier by the fact that we were not dealing with two sets of step-children. My husband was also divorced but had no children. He desperately wanted them, and my son was young enough when we married (5) that he was able to adjust pretty well.
It was made even easier a couple years later when I managed to get my ex-husband in one of his drunken middle of the night attempts to “win” me back to agree to give up all his parental rights and not accrue any more child support. He was then required to legally sever ALL contact with my son, which was a blessing. I was fortunate in that my new husband happened to be an attorney who is licensed in Nevada (where the ex fled) and was able to to have an old buddy pretty much sweep his drunk butt up the family court steps to sign the papers.
Not everyone has that luxury, and there are many wonderful (exes) parents who do not deserve to be cut out of their childrens lives.
In our family there is no his mine & ours, only ours (which there are now 4 of).
However, we have always told our oldest that if he someday wants to be in contact with his “real” father again we will help any way we can. INterestingly enough this finally came up recently (he is 16) now, when he asked if he could maybe start to meet some of that group.. I got in contact with his natural grandmother who is thrilled to be in touch again. Unfortunately, I found out that my son’s “natural” father is still a drunk, druggie, and not only a wife beater, but actually beat up his own mother once recently. So only now, all these years later do I know that I made the right decisions for him when he was young.
Aaahh…I should add that my second husband adopted him and my son took his name so it has made a lot of difference that way too.
I think every family has their own dynamics and every family has their unique problems (along with unique children) and have to go about the “discipline” issue in their own way.
It was never an issue in our house, but I AM the “mean” one…;)
Growing up in a house with parents who literally have lived on separate floors of their house for 30 years, I would have welcomed any step-parent that didn’t scream their heads off at the other every night and cause the entire familty to walk on glass. Any rebellion I had was because my parents were still married.