Helicopter parents are defined as those parents who have gone beyond devoted nurturing of their child or children into an extreme involvement of their life, particularly in the area concerning educational institutions. College administrators and professors reported this trend at the start of 2000.[1] The parents are not only at the university level, however; I first heard the term several years ago directed toward some elementary school students’ parents.
As a parent myself, I had been quite involved with my childrens’ education. I was active in the PTO, room mom duties, and other school activities. Many parents have strong feelings and differing opinions about how they raise their children and the amount of involvement they should have in their lives, but when it goes beyond nurturing, are ‘helicopter parents’ raising children into adults who find it difficult to take responsibility for their own lives?
“Black Hawks” refers to those parents who have allowed their zeal to take them into the boundaries of unethical behavior: doing their student’s homework themselves.[1] In talking with some teachers, I learned that a few parents did not stop at helping their student to an expected degree; they did the entire assignment. One teacher said she knew it because the student freely admitted it, and that it hadn’t been the only time. This did not seem to be limited to any particular grade level, as I heard it from both an elementary and a high school teacher.
I know of parents who confront teachers about the grades given to their student. In one account, the parents were upset about a teacher giving a final grade of an A- ; it had lowered the student’s cumulative GPA just enough to put her chance of making valedictorian at risk.
Does the competition for college scholarships and financial help justify parental involvement to the point of not allowing the child to learn early on, that sometimes falling short is also a part of succeeding, if they learn how to deal with it? Or has it become more of a matter of protecting the investment they have in their child and seeing that he or she has access to as many opportunities as possible? Loving our children and wanting the best for them isn’t wrong. But where does it become more of a hindrance and start hurting them?
Maybe you are considered a helicopter parent, or know some parents who are? What are your thoughts on this topic?
[1]Wikipedia contributors, “Helicopter parent,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Helicopter_parent&oldid=220723326 (accessed July 2, 2008).
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Find Humor in Life,
Great Article!
I think sometimes parents can get much too involved in a childs life. I’ve seen this happen sometimes when the parents try to live vicariously through their children – wanting to re-live their lives making up for all their former shortcomings. I thing this is apparent in the “pageant moms” scenario.
In another situation, I’ve seen personally how damaging it can be for a parent to be too involved in directing their child’s life. I have a close friend who has been so involved with their child’s life that clear into high school the parent was the child’s #1 companion. It is a situation where you can predict the parent moving out to be near the child when they go to college in a few years.
I believe if a parent wants the best for their children they should encourage and stretch them to learn. And learning is an active process. If the child never takes steps out on their own they will never learn the consequences of decisions and actions. They won’t learn how to decide things for themselves. And it can ruin their lives.
Great article! I think Joe is right, it’s one thing to be there for your children if they need you and to assist them when they need your help. It’s another to take over and control their lives. And honestly, a parent isn’t happy because the child received an A-? That’s a stretch!
So what happens when that child no longer has you available to do everything for him/her? They’re lost. They can’t function. Now what?
It’s very hard to sit back and watch your child fall flat on their face, but it’s also part of life. The most important thing you can do, is teach your child how to get back up again, on their own, unless it’s something that they really need your help with. Children need love and affection, they need to learn and grow. We’re here to give them that love and affection and help them grow, not grow for them.
Great article! I think Joe is right, it’s one thing to be there for your children if they need you and to assist them when they need your help. It’s another to take over and control their lives. And honestly, a parent isn’t happy because the child received an A-? That’s a stretch!
So what happens when that child no longer has you available to do everything for him/her? They’re lost. They can’t function. Now what?
It’s very hard to sit back and watch your child fall flat on their face, but it’s also part of life. The most important thing you can do, is teach your child to get back up again, on their own, unless it’s something that they really need your help with. Children need love and affection, warmth and attention. We’re here to give them that and the guidance they require to become happy, healthy, functioning individuals.
A most excellent article Find Humor!! And a great response by Joe. I too have known a number of parents that have coddled their children so much that I think it’s actually hurting their childrens developement. I know parents that won’t even let their children ride bikes or go swimming for fear that they’ll drown or get hurt. This is how children learn in life….by falling and/or failing and being able to dust themselves off and try again.
I agree with Joe’s “Pagent Mom” scenario as well as the child actor issue. All too often parents want to re-live their lives through their children and it’s really sad imo. These parents should be ashamed of themselves. It’s one thing to want what’s best for your children, but I think you need to let them be children and give them space to be able to grow. And in order for that to happen, they need to be allowed to make their own mistakes, in order to learn for themselves from those mistakes.
I look forward to a great discussion regarding this topic. Great job FHIL~!
My wife quit teaching high school a few years back due to Black Hawk parenting. She had a parent come in at PT conference and scream at her for fifteen minutes because his precious snowflake didn’t get an A in her class — regardless of the fact that she did no work in the class to merit the grade. He did this in the presence of an assistant principal, who did nothing and then told her “not to let it bother her” that this jerk had screamed at her the whole time. (The jerk and the assistant principal happened to be neighbors, so he didn’t want to do anything to upset things.) My wife came home in tears. That was the helicopter parenting straw that broke her back. I told her to quit, and she did. She had this happen to her several times a year (once, even, by another teacher whose snowflake wasn’t performing well) over a span of three years. It’s terrible.
I am SO not a helicopter parent, never was. I’m more of a “parenting with love and logic” kind of approach. That approach was beyond tough love, it was letting the child make decisions and having them live with the consequences.
Excellent article, please write more!
I asked a student in high school his view of it, and he thought a younger kid might enjoy having a parent do homework for him, but as they get older, that kid will have problems dealing with other people, whether it’s a teacher, boss, peer, etc. They will have learned that an “attitude” works for them.
I wonder if some parents let their own early school experiences affect their involvement. For example, if they had been bullied and felt helpless, and their child also has a timid personality, the parent may now be more likely to confront those who they perceive as being bullies to their child.
P.S. Thank you for the encouraging feedback on the article.
Rosalind Wiseman is an excellent author on this subject. I have seen her speak at conferences and read some of her books. She calls them “hovercraft moms”. She has vast experience with kids, teens, parents and administrators all over the country. I highly recommend her books. She also has several books about the “Queen Bee” attitudes and aggression problems amongst teen girls, even in women who are grown women acting like queen bees. Wiseman knows her stuff. Here are a few links to read more.
“Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads – Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child’s Life”
http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bee-Moms-Kingpin-Dads/dp/140008301X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219957633&sr=8-1
“Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads – Dealing with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches and Counselors Who Can Make or Break Your Child’s Future”
http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Moms-Kingpin-Dads-Make/dp/1400083001/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219958106&sr=8-3
“Mean Girls Grow Up – Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid to Bees” Author Cheryl Dellasega
http://www.amazon.com/Mean-Girls-Grown-Afraid-Bees/dp/0470168757/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219958305&sr=8-2