A high school student wrote a column in the Post Register in January, about the virtues of feminism. One of her issues was around the choices of career by her peers. In an informal poll, she asked the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question, and one response surprised her; the young woman wanted to be a mother.
When she pressed her, asking, “And?” the response was, “nothing else, just a mother”.
The student was slightly taken aback, as she felt this was not the best aspiration for a young woman, for many reasons. She felt it was a great thing to want to be a parent, but not as the end-all, be-all career choice. At least, not in this day and age.
Online commentators at the Post Register, mostly identified as male, castigated her for her stance, praising motherhood as a valid choice of careers for young women. Later, letters to the editor, mostly written by women, defended the choice as a valid choice for feminists, too. Many quoted “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” from the poem by William Rose Wallace.
In my opinion, motherhood is a fine choice for an occupation.but only if our society also supports that same occupational choice for a man.
If a young man said his career choice was to be a father, he wanted to stay home, clean the house, diaper and feed the babies, raise and nurture them, and help them become fine upstanding citizens of the world and allow his wife to go out into the workforce and earn the paycheck, support the family.would there be the same amount of community support for him as for the young woman?
I don’t think so. I believe, from past experience, that the reaction would be scorn, disbelief, derision, and many questions regarding his manhood.
So what do you think? Do you have an opinion as to whether Mom or Dad should be the stay at home parent, in an intact household?
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Gato got runned over by Marcus many moons ago. Be ye daft, 2486? 
Let's have a new poll, alright, Joe?
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I had the joy of being able to stay home with my 2 oldest kids but after awhile the bills were outpacing our finances and I had to go back to work. I loved every minute of staying home with my kids and I applaud every parent mom or dad who gets the chance to do the same. When it was time for me to go back to work my ex-husband and I worked opposite shift so that our kids had one parent at home with them and they did not have to go to a daycare. It worked out great and he really enjoyed the time he got to spend at home with them.
My younger brother is a great example of a stay home dad. It was his choice even though he could be out working a great job with great pay. He prefers to stay with the kids. Personally I envy him that choice. His family-in-law thinks less of him and also their own daughter for her choice to work full time outside of the home instead of taking on the more traditional role of stay home mom. I don’t understand why they feel like this. If the husband prefers to stay at home and the wife prefers to work then people should just let them be.
Kudo’s to all dads who prefer to take on the role of stay home parent!!
Excellent question! Personally, I believe it’s ok for the man to stay home and tend to the house and raise the kids if the wife happens to bring in more money for the family. I certainly wouldn’t make it MY choice, but in a world of 2 income family’s, it’s apparent that our children are being raised by daycares and outside sources, other than the parents themselves and I think that’s caused a whole generation of issues.
While I believe it takes a strong man to give up his “man card” and let the wife be the sole provider, clearly he’s doing it for the welfare of his children, and in the end, isn’t that whats important here?
This reminds me of an issue of “Wife Swap” a couple weeks ago where the man stayed home and the woman brought home the bacon. The guy acted like a fruit cake to me, but it clearly worked for his family so whatever works for ya! Like I said, I couldn’t do it myself and feel like a real man, but that’s just me. If it works for some family’s than more power to them!
My second husband and I actually did this, in 1996. I earned about double what he did, and his children’s mother had passed away the year before, so we decided he would stay home and I would work (my children were already grown).
Oh, my good lord. We got such a raft of crap about that. Everyone assumed I was too masculine, that I “wore the pants” (I am more decisive anyway) and even his own family gave him grief. Yet for our situation, the young children really needed a parent at home, and he had already bonded with them, and I made more money, so why not?
When he got bored after two years at home, we figured I could take a turn. Now everyone assumed that I was trying to force my deadbeat husband to go to work, which could be the only reason I would quit such a great job to stay at home.
I realized then (as if I didn’t really know it before) that society thinks of raising kids and keeping the home fires burning as “women’s work” and that no real man could possibly find satisfaction in this calling.
But it’s a perfectly fine thing for women to want to do (in fact, some people feel threatened if the woman doesn’t want to do it).
I see nothing wrong with it, if both parties are agreeable to roles, such as housework, cooking, laundry, and caring for the child. It is a big issue for some men, who are uncomfortable with the “Mr. Mom” role. A lot of times, the wife being the bigger breadwinner determines the situation. But should earning more money be the only factor?
Now here’s where I disagree with a particular stay at home dad:
I have a close friend who got laid off almost a year ago when the business she worked at for 15 years closed. Her usually unemployed boyfriend did not seem to take the hint it was time for him to get a job, hey – someone has to support the 2 year old and help put food on the table, but it wasn’t going to be him. So, for 6 months they argued about who was going to work. When unemployment ran out, he didn’t have any job prospects, nor was he trying very hard, so she was forced to go back to work and now he stays home with the toddler. He hates it, but she told him to get off his butt and earn a living if he doesn’t like being a stay at home dad. Yes, it’s her (bad) choice to stay with the loser. I feel a little sad for their child, who’s father won’t get a job, and now that he’s home won’t take her to child-oriented places or activities because he is too embarrassed to be seen as the non-breadwinner, and risk damage to his ego. So, they stay home all day or visit his parents, that’s it. The poor kid hardly has any friends or playmates and seems to be getting more socially shy and unable to play with other kids. Yep, this is right here in SE Idaho. Why do some men think they don’t have a responsibility to support the child they created? He needs to lay his ego aside for the child’s sake and either get a job or take her places, but I don’t think he ever will.
But here’s another situation:
My brother makes good money, his wife better, probably double. She is not particularly “mothering” or “nurturing” but for some reason they still want a family. So, they have decided to have a baby in the next year or two, and he will stay home once the child is born. Not a popular topic for the older generation of men in our family at get- togethers, but we’ll see how things turn out. The sad thing is, my brother admits he wants to do it more because he is lazy and relishes the idea of “not working”. Oh lord, I can’t wait for him to see how “easy” it is to stay home with kids all day!
All in all, I do think it is important to have at least one parent home if you can afford it. I don’t blame parents who have to work full time to make ends meet, but I cannot imagine someone else seeing my child crawl for the first time or take first steps. We want to be guiding and nurturing the hundreds of milestones in early childhood. You are right, society will have a stigma on the stay at home dad for awhile, it will take some good strong ones to fight it.
I have many friends that grew up in Europe, South America, all had both parents working if I recall. However, the idea of daycare is usually foreign to them. The Chinese friends all had a stay at home parent, as I believe it is customary to have a grandparent or mother raise them.
So, why is daycare more rampant in the US than in most parts of the world? I believe it’s because American jobs expect AT LEAST 40 hours of work. In Europe and S.A., many parents cut their work week down to 35 hours. This gives each parent three to four days off per week, easing the schedule. With China it seems different – the family oriented mentality is still strong there.
American capitalism has come to demand too much from its lower to middle class, and this is in direct competition with family values. Why can’t both parents reach for their aspirations, but just work a shorter week?
Yeah, lets see you request a shorter work week at any medium to large sized company and see if you still keep your job. The thing is, every person that won’t work a 40 hour work week, there are 50 more lined up that will. So unless we as a society demand less hours it’s just not going to happen. Americans work longer hours for less pay and take less vacation time than our European counterparts.
I put in at least 50 hours a week. But I’ve been with the same company for over 10 years so I’ve accumulated just over 5 weeks of vacation time a year, which I do not let go to waste.
I do think if a family can afford to keep one parent home, that it would definately benefit that child and family in the long run. Whether it’s the man or the woman, makes no difference in my book.
Children need close to equal exposure to both parents. I just don’t think one parent at home is enough, which is why I’m advocating that ideally both parents would have a career that let them have off three to four days a week. This could cut the daycare need down to two days or less. Of course this is ideal, and I agree that no upstanding American company will let their employees do this, but I’m an idealist and there’s always good reason to work for positive change.
I agree, BobbyDigital, that the love of one parent is not paramount over the other. My first husband was an excellent father, lots better in many ways than I was a mother. More patience, among other things.
I don’t mind working 40+ hrs per week, but what I would have liked, while my children were young, was more flexible scheduling so that I could participate in their school activities. Lots of companies (and some government offices) are still behind the times in parent friendly scheduling.
I’m a single dad raising two kids at home and working full time. Every time I hear a parent of any gender whine about how a job at home is equal to a job in the real world I want to slap them. I do both and do it by myself so I’m very well versed in what both jobs entail in terms of how much work they are. I especially want to slap people who say the parent working in the real world job should have to do 50% of the chores at home because thats an utter crock. The time it takes to maintain a house, as I have to do 100%, is nothing compared to the 40 hrs a week I put in at my paying job. I’d love to be a stay at home parent and not have to work. Its super slack time compared to being in the real world at a regular job. Yes raising kids is challenging and there is work to do at home as far as cooking meals, washing clothes, etc. But its still far easier and than holding down a job in the real world.
shame on you, “anonymous”; consider that someone else is doing the “hard part” of being at home with your kids: wherever they are in daycare while you work your “real” job. Those are the people that are doing the “hard” part;
Working outside the home, working inside the home is hard; harder in that sometimes you never get a break; there is never a downtime; there is rarely even a potty break (without a toddler sticking their head in); there is always laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming to be done; when you go to work, you get to avoid all that constant, non-stop demand on you.
I know already how you will respond to this; but before you do, keep in mind that I have worked full time while raising three small children by myself: “real world” work was the easy job. No question.
I agree with Babs. The home job is only easier in that you can sometimes choose to put off a particular chore, who cares if you have dusted or vacuumed or even washed the dishes today (or if you bothered to take a shower). But the work doesn’t go away just because you didn’t do it, and it just piles on if left undone.
We don’t usually have the freedom of those kinds of choices in our outside-the-home work. However, I think the home job is much more difficult because it never ends, it’s 24-7 and it’s not valued as much as the outside job.
Which is why it’s such a crock that it’s typically considered to be “women’s work”. It’s definitely not for everyone (I personally don’t thrive on it, myself) but if a man is doing it, he should still be considered a “real man”.
CR_67 above in #2 ended with this, “Like I said, I couldn’t do it myself and feel like a real man, but that’s just me. If it works for some family’s than more power to them!”
The rest of the comment was very balanced on the whole, so I’m sure there was no sexism intended there, but it really speaks to my point- REAL MEN DO STAY AT HOME PARENTING. It’s just that when they do, society acts as if they’ve demeaned themselves. Surrendered their ‘man-card’. (Hee hee, I like that phrase!)
Yet it’s okay for a woman to do this kind of work…so what does that say about our attitudes toward women, here in the 21st century?
# 9 – I don’t understand how you can be working full time AND raising two kids at home. They must be older kids. Either they are taking care of themselves when you are at work, or you have a babysitter who handles some meals and clean up at a minimum. Are they are old enough to do real chores? If any of the above is true, then are you really doing 100%? Either way, a full time parent of younger children (home all day) will likely dispute your claim a real world job is harder than 24-hour parenting. We do 100% of the work when they are not old enough for chores and watching themselves, right? Being home is “easier” may be your experience, but not the majority opinion in my fairly large circle.
Like many other mothers, I had a career before staying home. I was able to leave my job at 5PM, sometimes earlier. I awoke after a FULL night’s sleep, and was out the door by 6:30AM. I normally did not bring paperwork home. 40-50 hours – tops spent at my job. My boss and co-workers did not usually bother me after hours except for emergencies. I ran around pretty busy and dealt with daily crises control at my job. Lots of adult contact and responsibility was great, but at least I could leave it there!
I think it depends on the type of 40 hour a week job YOU have. Now for the at home issues – babies who get up 2-3 times a night, be it for feeding, sickness, or needing soothing to go back to sleep, is a round the clock responsibility, NOT found in the 9-5 workday. An instant alarm clock at 5:30 whether you want to be up or not. A brief respite during naptime, but you run around doing laundry or cleaning or finally taking a shower. More play, meals, cleanup, arts/crafts, reading, etc. Don’t forget baths, nighttime routines, storytime, and finally bed. Then you try to catch a little TV or catch up on the computer, especially if your spouse works late. Or you lay down and veg for awhile.
I’m not saying it’s harder, but parenting at home all day is certainly more exasperating and time consuming. Not even a coffee break room or smoke break in our house! An hour for lunch, by myself? Hah – give me a break!
Oh yeah, my old job I got 2 weeks vacation and almost 2 weeks of sick days per year. I could call in sick if I felt like crap, and I loved a 3 day weekend. Not with kids. You feel like crap, you still have kids to take care of. You need a day off, maybe you’re lucky enough to have a non-employed friend or parent in the area to give you that day off. Realistically, many don’t.
I’d take the amount of “work” in my old 45+ hour job anytime (which didn’t include the long commute). The rewards are not as great as parenthood, but the work was less for me. Yes, there is some slack time at home, but the other mothers I know with small children don’t seem to have as much as you do.
I am satisfied with my choice to stay home at this point in my life. I consider myself to be as much as part of the real world as you are. This isn’t fantasy land. It’s real too.
You and “live free” may want to consider starting a single father group. You both have some similar issues and grudges. Single moms doing it all at home aren’t near as vocal as the single dads here it seems. Why is that? Single moms deal with the same crap every day too, but why is it single dads feel like they have to speak out about how hard it is for them and how the rest of us are whiners and need to be slapped? Interesting…..
Reader #12 said: “Single moms doing it all at home aren’t near as vocal as the single dads here it seems.”
Okay, warning: sweeping generalization alert here: Is it possible that this is due to the fact that society views a single mom as typically deserving her fate, so no whining allowed? While a single dad, he’s noble and incredibly brave, to face this life alone, so we should understand if they have a hard time with it?
But that again plays into my one note song today…that raising a child and keeping the house (being a housewife, essentially) is considered to be women’s work and beneath the dignity of the man.
Therefore, in a typical two parent relationship, women are encouraged and expected to be happy being a housekeeper and parent, and men are looked at strangely if they choose to do it instead.
Overall, I’m encouraged by the comments here. I was afraid it was going to be either too boring to bother with (you know, the women’s libber chat comment about Groucho Marx’s penchant for legs…) or too incendiary for civil discourse. Great job, so far!
Or could it be, I’m the dad from #9, that I work at night while my kids are sleeping. Its not too difficult to take care of kids when they are asleep. I do rely on a sitter to be there in case the kids wake up and to send them to school in the morning so yes I’m not 100% self sufficient. I sleep while they are in school.
So yes, I’ll say again being at home is easy. And never getting a break????? Being at home is a break! Being at work where you have bosses and objectives you have to meet on a deadline is the non break.
And when I was married my spouse and I work opposite shifts to avoid daycare. I much preferred my home time because once again it was easy time. I changed easily as many diapers as she did. I did easily as much if not more of the housework as she did. And I’d gladly have done that full time over a regular job because being your own boss on your own schedule is great and the work was much easier.
I guess it’s valid that for some people, staying home is the easier of the two types of work. It sure isn’t for me (other than the ability to shirk some of my duties at my own choice).
We shouldn’t say that it’s NEVER the easier choice.
Funny how anonymous dad touts his horn loud and clear about how his experience must be the TRUTH for everyone else. Kind of narcisstic, isn’t it? What is this need to make sure everyone knows how easy his job is as a parent (sounds like he gets a lot of babysitter help, ex probably takes the kids on her days too), and how challenging his job is outside the home? Yeah, whatever single dad, to each his own. Why do you have such a need to prove yourself and criticize others who feel differently? Why don’t single working moms come on here and boast too? Nemesis made a good point in #13.
Your reality is NOT everyone else’s fact. Remember that – it’s the beauty of sharing OPINIONS in a forum, and in the world in general.
Yes, when women do it, it’s expected. When some men do it, they want to be hailed as heroes.
I liked readers #12 comment….come to think of it Anonymous did sound an awful lot like Livefree. Interesting….
Whatever the case may be, if you think being a stay at home parent is so much easier than a typical job, than you’re either letting the TV be the babysitter or you’re not giving your kids the attention they crave and require of you. We only have one child and at 4 y/o, she requires a LOT of attention ALL DAY long. (except during nap time) which is the only time you get a breather. But even then you need that time to catch up on other chores around the house. So I can only imagine those with 2 or more kids.
As for Nemisis’ comment…I in no way meant to sound sexist and I apologize if I came off that way. While I do think times they are a changin, we’ve been programmed since the beginning of time that the woman handles the children and stays at home while the man works and provides for the family. Of course theres nothing wrong with the tables being turned, as it’s certainly a tough job to handle. I don’t think it’s beneath a man at all, I just think it’s been that way for so long, that a transistion such as this takes time to really become accepted in todays society. I do think it’s becoming more popular though and like I said earlier, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I know that I personally would get a lot of ribbing from my guy friends if I decided to take on that role. But I think as long both parents (whether still together or not), do everything they can to spend as much time as they can in helping with their childs development, that’s what’s important. Our children need the love and nurturing from both parents equally imo.
I would be concerned if a young woman’s only aspiration was to be a stay-at-home mom. While that may be a valid choice, given the circumstances, I think she would be better equipped to be that SAH mom if she had gotten an education & experienced the world a bit first.
I would also worry about her choice should her circumstances change. What if she suddenly lost her spouse, due to unforseen events? No one is guaranteed a partner forever. And what happens to her when she finally finds herself with an “empty nest”? With a background experience outside the home, I think she’ll find that transition much easier.
Perhaps we should rephrase the question to our young adults. Instead of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” as a progressive culture I think we should ask “how do you plan on leaving a positive impact on our world/country?” It conveys a sense of responsibility to mankind, and might help cut down on all the kids that only want to be an NBA or NFL star.
That said, being a mother or father is a perfectly good answer to the question. If you only had the opportunity to be a ditch-digger, but can give one or two children a better opportunity than you had, then you can make a huge difference in the world through your progeny. Sometimes your job is not your profession, if you see what I mean.
I am currently a full time dad. My wife works at our business during the day while I stay at home with our son. I also work part time at night running that business.
For us, having one of us home with our kid(s) has always been a priority. With the path that we wanted to walk, it makes makes more sense for my wife to be working right now. She is alright with it and I am alright with it. The important thing is that we value being the main part in raising our children and we are doing it.
Being at home all day is as, if not more, challenging as any of my past careers. The difference is that I love what I am doing now. My wife loves what she does all day and loves her time being a mom in the evening and on the weekends.
I am sure there are people that have their opinions on how our family dynamic is set up, but I don’t really care. My family is happy and we are managing quite fine. I am not a femme and my wife is not an overbearing dictator of a wife. We operate in our roles as husband and wife just like any other normal couple, we just split up our responsibilities differently. The end is the same, maybe even better.
I think part of the reason men get funny looks for being stay-at-home is because it is a woman who gives birth, and a woman who nurses. We still think in those terms in a basic level, I believe.
Now, women have the option of returning to work quickly and bottle-feeding their children, so there is more pressure on the woman to work outside of the home as well- since the duty of feeding their child can be passed along to someone else, such as a nanny or daycare. Many people totally pass up the idea of the father being the one taking care of the child.
I think personally that if we desire true equality of the sexes, then we should encourage more men to consider it an option to be stay-at-home if they are unhappy being the primary breadwinner and the wife is more than willing to take up that role.
I suppose I’ve never really had a huge aspiration for my life- nothing that said “I want to do THAT when I grow up!” I always knew I wanted to be a mother, and be at home while they are young. Everything else is a “Maybe. Someday.”
Pixie #21, thanks for your comment. It seems to reinforce the idea that men are naturally considered to be the primary providers…and women would only do that if men agree to switch roles…
“encourage more men to consider it an option to be stay-at-home if they are unhappy being the primary breadwinner and the wife is more than willing to take up that role.”
It’s the acceptance of the “natural order” of this arrangement that I’m unhappy about.
I hope that as more open minded folks such as yourself think about these issues, and raise your own children, that these distinctions fade away.
It won’t happen in my lifetime, but I have six grandchildren that I’m hoping will have an easier time of it when they start to raise families in a few years.
wow, ooh_child and I are on the same wavelength!
I have always thought that it made sense to have a career or vocation so that I could always stand on my own; not only for the time “before I had kids” but for all that time after. . . if I do my job as Mom right, my kids will be gone by their mid-twenties and I will have a lot of productive “workforce” years left in me….
moreover, ooh_child’s thought of “seeing the world” first (I’m paraphrasing) is a good one: once you have experienced life for yourself–working, playing, etc.–you become better able to step out of the limelight and give your kids center stage; I have seen too many parents who didn’t do that, and now are the pushy stage moms or alpha moms who want to live through their child…not healthy for either end of that relationship, IMO
Wow, I confess, I always wanted to “be a mom” too. I wanted a bunch of kids. But it didn’t happen that way. I was both, single mom and career girl. The job I love the most is being a mom, still. I don’t see anything wrong with a dad staying home to tend to children in fact, in certain situations, it only makes sense. I know of one mother who stated she just didn’t have the patience for children, he had an overabundance of patience, so her hubby stayed home with the kids and life was great for all of them. Both jobs are difficult but I’ll take being the mom any day. Children need both parents. They need lots of love and affection above all else. The rewards are tremendous, far outweighing any certificate of appreciation or award at work. But who stays home and who works is up to mom and dad to decide.
I think the issue being discussed is a very sensitive one because everyone’s situation is different. I can say, that I am 100% convinced that wanting to simply be a “Mother” or “Father” is an extremely dangerous path because there is no break from this job.
Compare this to a person who is so entirely obsessed with their job that they are unable to stop thinking about it. This causes so much stress and such an unbalanced lifestyle that it has a profound and lasting affect on the rest of the family.
A mother that has absolutely no other ambition than to be a mother is more than likely to become depressed because of an unbalanced life. Having their own personal ambitions, that have little to nothing to do with their kids and husband, is unbelievably important. It doesnt have to be much but it has to be theirs, it has to get them out of the house, and it has to be important to them, so that they can feel like an individual and not rely solely on the emotions and social status of their children.
This way, when the kids leave the house, the parent will still have something meaningful in their life.
I truly admire stay at home parents and think that it is crucial that there be a parent at home. But for the sake of sanity for the whole family, find something to take your mind off of your already taxing job of being a stay at home parent.