Idaho Legislature Votes to Close Primaries, Parks, Borders, Schools, Libraries, and Minds

Posted by Joe Vandal
April 1, 2007

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The Idaho Legislature re-affirmed the balance of one-party rule in their last day of the 2007 session. The measures were publicly positioned as cost-saving strategies, but many Idaho conspiracy theorists suspected an ulterior moral-control agenda.

Election Primaries were closed to sworn and paid Republican party members. Primaries for other parties were outlawed, with the reasoning being that they never win anyways so why should everyone pay for their pretend-primary?

State parks were closed to bail the state out of a huge backlog in maintenance issues, and to discourage any more talk of a new state park in southeast Idaho.

Idaho state borders were closed to keep both illegal immigrants and Californicators out. This idea was suggested after a state legislator finally saw The Second Civil War movie.

All public schools were closed, and some legislators expressed delight that so many Idaho children would be at home with their mothers, getting a proper education.

Idaho libraries were closed after a persuasive personal responsibility speech given by a representative from Dead Fish, Idaho. Legislators realized that most reading is now being done online anyways, and everyone loves a good book-burning.


Idaho minds were also ordered to be closed, but some legislators admitted that one might get overturned in the courts again. Several legislators said they felt a moral obligation to at least try protecting Idahoans from harmful knowledge.

The Republican leadership closed out the 2007 session by slamming the door on their way out instead of banging the gavel, another cost-cutting measure.

Governor Butch Otter was expected to sign most of the bills into law. However, last minute flip-flopping and schizophrenic reasoning was not ruled out by anyone involved.

[Site Admin: Please note date of publication]

Funnies, Open Mike

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