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Mankind’s Greatest Scams

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I’m constantly amazed at some of the things that get away with - for instance, the cigarette break. The cigarette break is basically giving people ten minutes out of every day to sit outside and inhale deadly fumes. Isn’t allowing a break like this kind of like giving an alcoholic a beer break? I imagine a beer-gutted, balding employee stumbling into the office, “Come on, boss, I really need a good brew buzz right now, I’m stressed!” and the manager will say, “Okay, but it’s only for the good of productivity around here!” The cigarette break is proof that we, as a society have lost our collective minds.

That’s not to mention the smell. You know the smell. It’s kind of like that putty you used to use in art class in junior high that you would always get on your favorite jeans and it would never come off. Yeah, that smell. It’s this stale, slightly barbeque-ish funk that permeates every corner of the office, sending you to the restrooms to get a hit of the automated deodorant machine in the corner. However, it’s not the cigarette smell that I mind so much as the efforts smokers go to trying to hide the smell. Whether it’s perfume, fabreeze, or gum, there’s no way to hide that smell, guys. Just give it up. It’s kind of like spraying cologne on a turd - it creates this all-new, yet equally disgusting smell. It’s like a mutated virus, there’s no way to stop it.

Oh, and then there is health insurance, which may very well be the biggest scam in history. It’s government-sponsored extortion! I recieved a call the other day from an agent (in the middle of dinner, of course) and the man on the other end of the line (a gruff-voiced, unkempt sounding individual) said to me, in a strong Jersey accent, “Hey, you know, we ain’t sayin’ somethin’s gonna happen, but hey, you know, these things, they happen. You might want to buy some … insurance .. from us, if you know waddamean.” Needless to say, I purchased the platinum family protection plan.

Then I made the mistake of trying to file a claim. See, high cholesterol runs in my family, as do heart attacks and a political leaning toward liberalism, so I decided to schedule an exam to make sure I was really my father’s son and get my cholesterol levels checked. After an uncomfortably intimate exam, the doctor, a short, fat Irish fellow with a large gut and a double-chin let me know I had decent levels, but I might think about losing some weight. Sounded a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, but I let it slide.

Then, six months after I had filed the claim, I recieved a notice in the mail informing me that the visit was not covered under my current plan. My initial creation was then what do you cover!? I knew my heart was in the right place when going to the doctor for a disease that ran in my family and could possibly cost my venerable insurance company thousands of dollars if left untreated. Who were they to deny me my “special time” with my doctor, anyway? Then, upon further exploration of the documents, I noticed that the denial of coverage was subject to petition, and all I would have to do is write a short explanation not to exceed more than ten (10) pages, including the time, date, and nature of the exam, what the findings were, my hopes and dreams, favorite ice cream flavor, and my uncle’s first wive’s social security number.

I paid the hundred and eighty dollars out of my pocket instead.

Another of the great scams of our day is the concept that there is always someone else to blame for your problems. We sue McDonald’s for making us fat. We sue coffee makers for burning our tongues with their vile, overly-heated liquid (that we purchased and drank of our own volition). We sue drug makers for giving us headaches. Watching the evening news or late-night television, this is everywhere.

Right now, a man is suing Kentucky Fried Chicken for cooking its chicken in fat that contained high levels of trans-fat. It’s fried chicken! If you’re eating a massive bucket of greasy fried chicken and aren’t aware that it will kill you, you deserve whatever you get. Does anybody really think fast food, in all its fried-and-grilled disgustingness is health food? Have our schools failed that miserably?

Then, there’s the rising debate over the content of video games, television, music, and online communities like MySpace. At this moment, a young girl is suing MySpace.com for “allowing her” to meet an older gentleman who arranged a meeting with her to sexually assault her. While being a tragic turn of events, she should be blaming the man that assaulted her, not MySpace.com. When I’m late for work, should I blame my car? No, we are responsible for what happens to us in our lives.

Especially when it comes to the internet and media such as music and television, America is in trouble. In our busy lives, we expect television to babysit our kids. We expect movies and morning public television to educate them, music to teach them morals, and the internet to connect them with their friends.

Look, electronics cannot replace the value of a loving, attentive parent, however attracive the alternative may be. It’s time we stop looking for counterfeits and start taking responsibility for our children, our society, and ourselves. Does McDonald’s make you fat? Exercize your right to not eat there. Turn off the television.

Oh, and here’s a novel idea - talk to your kids. Get to know them, try to understand what music and movies they like. Try and understand them rather than judging and harassing them. Be a part of their lives, preferably the part that involves chatting online with strangers, playing violent video games, and someday shopping for life insurance.

We are but suckers for the scams of life, and I don’t see an end in sight.

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